He had one of those small greek statue penises
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
