My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
