guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
