I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
