Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
what day is it and did you see me today?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
