I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
