Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
