I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
