mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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