I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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