I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
