your parents love me but you hate me
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
