I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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