No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
