Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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