So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize