A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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