I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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