i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
