I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
