proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
