it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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