Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
