he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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