I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
