i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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