its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
