Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
