the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
