I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
