moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
