Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
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You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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