So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
