I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i drank out of a bidet.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
