I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
