Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
did i walk over a car last night?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
