I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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