Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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