My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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