I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you win again, gameday.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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