My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
