I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
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The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
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I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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