R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
