I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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