I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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