i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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