OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
