My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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