I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
