Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
