"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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