Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
