My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
