I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
