he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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