I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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