Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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