i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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