I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
